thoughts

i gotta be honest i have no fucking idea what i'm doing.

i'm currently studying biology at university and i'm totally enjoying that but at the same time i feel like i'm not even trying to do anything for myself. recently i've been watching some old smosh videos and something kinda resonated with me about how genuine everyone was. they were being creative, making stuff that they wanted, being little goofballs. honestly i haven't found my people yet so it feels a bit disheartening to be here on my own just kinda waiting for an excuse to go outside like the societies i've joined.

i want to make shit! but at the same time i don't. it's fucking weird that my brain simultaneously can obsess over really cool projects but then instead want to not do them and watch youtube instead.

i want to make more shrines here! i love sharing things that i love but for some reason the pseudoregalia shrine has been stuck in limbo FOREVER. i think it's because the blue fire and pseudoregalia shrines really are stories i'm telling, hence the scrapbookish theme. once that's done I'LL GET TO IT SOON I SWEEAAARRR then i can start doing some cooler shit.

i want to embark on some more modding projects! hyper light breaker just released and i've been enjoying digging into that but i'm lacking inspiration for stuff to make for it, especially since the game's in a rough state currently. i can probably make some balance modifications for now like removing boss minions but the custom breaker framework might need some cooking time. custom weapons and modifications and danger level events would be fun to do and i reckon that might be easier and more functional too.

yeah lmao i don't know if writing this is a good idea we'll have to see. i dunno if i'm a lightweight or not but current evidence is pointing to a big fat fucking YAAAAAs honestly i'm pretty fine with that and would probably prefer to keep my alcohol tolerance low tbh (more bang for your buck am i right or am i right?) i wouldn't say i'm much of an alcohol connosieur either way - beer's fucking disgusting because it's so fucking bitter, wine is drunk by pretentious people and whisky compelled me to write this shitfest lol. cider is nice big fan apples are my favourite fruit yeahh i'm a basic bitch i know but i just don't like the texture and flavour of most fruits like you want to eat a pear? a fucking pear? have fun chewing on the fibres which grate against your teeth. a kiwi perhaps? it tastes and feels like in your mouth how cartoon snot looks like it would. i stan all vegetables though. just fucking cook them or they're shit no surprise thats part of british culture STIR FRIED LETTUCE SLAPS TRUST. wow i mean i think the alcohol is getting to me i can already notice i'm talking aloud alot more shit and laughing in the wheezy way i do. like i think i have three different levels of laugh and i want to keep it that way because it keeps me #quirky xoxo o=o like if something's ok or i'm laughing because i'm reading the room i'll do a normie chuckle...a cheeky chuckle but if something is really getting to me then i'll give it a wheeze or a weird fucking inhale and that can then evolve into the magnum opus, the grand finale, the apex, the zenith, the titan wing, the mega forme, my iconic witch cackle which should be the goal for any prospective comedians out there. my friend patrick does this thing when i reach this state where the fucker makes a stirring motion with his hands and makes direct eye contact to wrile me up even more. anyway i'm getting sidetracked all that happened was there was some whisky left in a glass which nobody wanted and i was like shit i could have that if no-one wants it. i've had a baileys and that's always really tasty but apparently i took two shots worth of whisky in one gulp which i'm sure is TOTALLY FINE my throat felt tingly hehe um but apparently six shots is what most people get tipsy on which is weird because i believe i am feeling effects after that even after i made SOME FUCKING BOMB PASTA with my smuggled steak from the master's buffet, carrots, beans, onion and mushrooms oughhh i should've taken a picture dammit oh wait no my phone was out of charge because using spotify in conjuction with google maps makes shit DRAIN anyway i've drunk entire bottles of cider (from my extremely sweet aunt on my bday) and been fine so this could literally be all in my head whoagh this could just be me somehow convincing myself i'm drunk when i'm literally fine...hold on pause for stumble check??? ... ... maybe but also i could be faking stumbling...i literally never write for my blog like why now of all times am i deluding myself this much? i mean it's kinda fun to be stumbly but even right now i'm still aware enough to write coherently...we'll see if this is coherent tomorrow morning but then again i've always been extremely pedantic with spelling so maybe i'll be a spelling bitch regardless of how delirious i get. i don't even think alcohol's that amazing like OMG APPLETISER? SCHLOER? ELDERFLOWER CORDIAL? GINGER BEER? any day over cider... although i do normally get cider at ceilidh band sessions because they're badasses who give out free drinks and it's fun to be a bit buzzed up and play folk music in a pub if this article is just the product of me being slightly under the influence then maybe this is a more genuine version of me (although that's bad thinking which creates *jazz hands* alcoholics *cheering*) i'd say i'm a fairly guarded person and am way too slow to come out of my shell. for gods sake i had no friends in year 7. this could also just be coming from a place of writing shit down being so much more personal and me feeling safe to dump my brain tingles or it could be from a place of sleep deprivation coming from the consistent pipeline of sidbar friday -> late night -> 9am lecture saturday although i think with that i'm doing a lot better than some certain people *cough* harry *cough*. i might be sleep's bitch but i'll be a well rested bitch without those horrifically deep eyebags my dad has wow it's only twenty to 1am i'm doing okay and i can wake up whenever i want for once (perhaps this is a call for help hmmm...) also this is probably the most i've written on this website period and it's just my drunken/placebo drunken ramblings. ya know what time for bed fuck you 8/5/25 here i fucking am again i'm definitely not a horny drunk just a sad and pathetic one lol i just came back from a session and i'm mega pissed from a pint of cider yet again honestly if i didn't have a fucking accordion on my back i'd be stumbling all the way home weeweewewewew what am i doing? exams are soon and i'm doing fuckall days are going slow buti know they'll be going fast soon but i'm still just watching videos not even doing anything fun like the website or game i hate how lazy i am so much like if you're going to avoid work you procrastinate productively lol i should at least be making friends - i realised i've been cooking so much i haven't been using my meal credit and people i've been friendly with have been eating together for two terms now stupid me why didn't i just use my meal credit instead of wallowing in the kitchen where i can encounter fucking josephine who's a bitch i've done so much wrong with social shit maybe i am autistic...well the screening appointment's coming up so i guess i'll have an inkling soon enough

if you didn't know i am half british and half chinese. have been all my life funnily enough and i think it's granted me a very unique cultural perspective.

because my dad couldn't speak mandarin (also because my mum was at home less) i didn't speak mandarin at home although i did go to a "chinese school" every week to learn the language. the school was a place where chinese families could meet and chat while the kids learnt. i always felt out of place because i was the only one who didn't have black hair (which is weird because every other half'n half person i know does) and i personally don't feel i look very chinese anyway, although according to other people and a face ai i do. i definitely wouldn't have the confidence to join any chinese clubs at my uni since i'd definitely feel alienated.

i can speak mandarin fairly well and can hold a conversation with anyone who speaks standard mandarin but definitely have more to be desired in terms of language ability because i couldn't speak it at home. this hurts how well i can connect with my chinese family - although many speak in dialects which sound completely alien anyway. of course i love them very much but i do feel slightly disconnected, not only because of my background but also because i'm not considered part of the main family line (i don't have the surname).

i had two very different cooking styles in my household: my dad served cauliflower cheese, casserole, pies and sausages while my mum brought noodles, rice, dumplings, 粥 and 粽子 to the table. i loved this and i think it really sucks that most families don't have as large a range of dishes. it also meant i didn't hate vegetables like the rest of the people in this country because i had stir-fried vegetables. COOK YOUR FUCKING VEGETABLES DON'T PUT THEM IN A SALAD.

i was able to experience both cultures simultaneously which was very cool. i know quite a few immigrant families don't celebrate a lot of festivals like bonfire night, halloween and christmas and obviously most british families don't celebrate 春节, 中秋节, 端午节 or 清明节 so i felt very priveliged to be able to both trick or treat and make dumplings with good company

i honestly don't think the uk's a very racist place, at least where i'm from. of course there's the whole 'ching chong' stuff that happens on the playground in primary school but other than that i haven't experienced anything and neither have any of my not-ethnically-british friends as far as i know.

funniest story i got from it was getting asked if i was mixed race by a drunk chinese lady at a corner shop at 3 am where i just bought some ginger beer